What if I get better?
As a long time therapist working specifically with patients battling chronic illness, conditions, and pain; I often see an identity that is attached to being “sick.” Just this week, someone shared with me their fear of getting better, for “fear of being pushed to return to my old schedule.” She admitted she has enjoyed the quieter pace of “doing it all.” She admits she has felt a near constant battle to perform, as a breadwinner, a partner, a mother, and a business woman. She admits having a break has been so nice, that she fears having to go back to the pressure she felt prior to developing a chronic pain condition called CRPS.
This pressure to perform so easily leads to burnout. This story is reminiscent of many other stories I heard during COVID. “Am I supposed to be mad about having to stay home?” was one version of many of the same sentiments.
The pressure to continue; the pressure to do it all; the pressure to please comes from our society but it heavily comes from survival of difficult childhoods as well. Maybe someone had parents or families that demanded high productivity to be good enough. Maybe families celebrated productivity and perfection more than process and progress. Maybe spouses are comfortable with a certain lifestyle, and when it’s not being performed there may be questions about this. Maybe some people feel like value and worth is tied to work ethic, body ability, educational attainment and the likes. Maybe some people have been in survival mode since birth; taking on and taking care of all parts of a tumultuous family life.
Whatever it is (and there are many, many more examples of how this pressure can developed) it’s ok to be tired. It is ok to not do it all and take it on.
However, patients have to learn worth in other ways before they can let go of being sick. They must learn to communicate in ways that are heard by those that love them; those that may accidentally put pressure on them. Patients must learn who is placing the pressure and recognize if it’s intentional; or if it’s only related to their interpretation of personal value.
Long term pain, illness, and disability can be a scapegoat. And it’s ok to admit this too. We’ve all used a stomachache or headache as an excuse to get out of doing something we really don’t want to do. However, we also want to adopt boundaries and self-directed knowledge of what we want and what we don’t want. We need to to be true to ourselves, first; then our families; then our medical team.
No one can do it all. And if we try, our nervous systems will rebel. The nervous system will amplify pain signals, while diminishing pleasure signals.
For our bodies to feel their best, we need to be clear and give our nervous system accurate input. We need to develop confidence in our worth. We need to be in alignment with our wants and needs by being able to clearly identify and communicate these. Sometimes we all need a little help to better define this; help working through the fears of disappointing others; and help creating a new definition of success.
